I’m angry and I’m allowed to be

You were supposed to be thinking about me

I have my own now, and I can see

Everything that you were supposed to be

I know it’s cliché to blame shit on the parents

But it’s a rhyme for a reason, and I’m going to share it

You chipped away at my humble begining

And made me feel like being honest was sinning

I should’ve been brought up to love who I am

But you spilt my reality and forgot to give a damn

If my father is “evil” and my mother is “crazy”

Don’t you think my sense of self felt a little hazy?

Then I got to watch you do everything you should have done for me

I’m still doing it, and you brag, and from this I can’t be free

You love me in the way that comes from obligation

I have needed it, and used it, but it comes with hesitation

After I take a hand when I need it

I feel tiny, and corrupt, and morally defeated

I’m just starting to understand what thirty years of feelings have meant

I know I’m not broken, but good lord, I am bent

You know how they say that kid’s are resilient?

Well I think that’s bullshit.

I think as kids we don’t have the understanding to back up what we’re experiencing, so we shove it down.

Then as adults we are forced to tie our understanding to our experiences…

And sometimes that’s fucking heartbreaking.

The most unsteady paths are paved in the dark

The good’s contrast to evil is stark

Oh beware the small minded king

An army of small minded boys he brings

History was there to teach us better

We underestimated the mass of stupid that banned together

Tainted walls curl yellow

Problems stay under the rug

Ignorance is tradition

Hate is the drug

Being raised to be a people pleaser was a hard thing to overcome

It is still something that I struggle with internally

But externally

I’m begining to like the taste of boundaries

When the pain is

so intense that I can

no longer stiffle the red

every minor transgression gets

scientifically dissected and placed

clumsily with distracted fingers

underneath a microscope that

is so slanted

even a baby sparrow

looks menacing

I am

I am ready

I am ready to stop

I am ready to stop feeling

So fucking inferior

This space is safe for you, I am here to make it so

Let’s breathe in and out together, time to let today go

My hands shape to your body, my energy flows beside yours

Feeling the language of your muscles, I listen for where it feels sore

I’m here to support your wellness, I am here to help you heal

Let’s spend an hour together, I want to know how you feel

An hour til sunrise and my eyelids won’t stay down.

Why is ambition always so high in this space of time? Knowing that in an hour my eyelids will have most likely decided to end their curious wake and once again the tops will embrace the bottoms.

I know this. But, (probably the right side), my brain is up making grandiose plans of getting up and taking a walk to see the sunrise. Of really getting a hold of myself and being the me I have been, and would like to be again. Making plans to get the house as spotless and organized as I’d like. Making plans to get my yard together. Forgetting entirely what I want to.

Are you wondering what I am forgetting on purpose? This prose is so much more whimsical without it.

Alas, the heavy tone of reality never really leaves my fingertips.

It’s in this cut out space of morning that I allow myself to daydream without constantly reminding myself of how I am fixed to my world.

I let myself not think about the depression that binds my body to it’s predetermined fatigue. I let myself drift away from the thought fog and chaos of having both a deficit of attention and an obsessive attachment to things that don’t require my attention. I let myself pretend that my energy is able to be harnessed by my own wants, and not the task of convincing myself on a cellular level that the throat butterfly is not an intruder.

I guess it’s in this hour that I do my best pretending.

1. Earth needs to be a priority.

2. History actually does repeat itself.

3. Privacy is a state of royalty

4 . Status does not change who you are as a person.

5. Voices are heard, even when they are not honored.

6. Mortality is no longer a common ground.

7. Technology is fallible.

8. Start preparing when you see the storm, don’t wait until it hits to see how heavy the rain is.

9. Women are known for rising.

10. There is a biological reason that people like their personal space.

11. Everything ebbs and flows.

12. Selfishness is a disease.

13. The title of King isn’t necessarily regal.

14. Changing history starts with today.

15. Equality is yet to be a reality.