You don’t get to

You don’t get to add all the ingredients

All the ingredients that combined create hurt and sorrow

And then demand cake.

The most familiar feeling

A heavy pit that rots in its nest on top of the stomach

Using the rib cage as a place to hang pictures

Shoulders that stiffen up with pride

And ache with sorrow

Windpipe collapsing on itself with the confusion between sobs

Blame and guilt that have tea time with devastation and panic

The heart that outweighs the knowledge

To sit in silence and suffer through the raging war inside

Second hand by now

But the intensity remains

If you don’t agree that it takes courage to live inside your truth

Then I don’t believe you actually live inside your truth

When we lie for the comfort of others, we do everyone a disservice

And the more you deflate that boundary, the harder it is to inflate

So love yourself and those around you

And find the courage

To live your truth out loud

I’m angry and I’m allowed to be

You were supposed to be thinking about me

I have my own now, and I can see

Everything that you were supposed to be

I know it’s cliché to blame shit on the parents

But it’s a rhyme for a reason, and I’m going to share it

You chipped away at my humble begining

And made me feel like being honest was sinning

I should’ve been brought up to love who I am

But you spilt my reality and forgot to give a damn

If my father is “evil” and my mother is “crazy”

Don’t you think my sense of self felt a little hazy?

Then I got to watch you do everything you should have done for me

I’m still doing it, and you brag, and from this I can’t be free

You love me in the way that comes from obligation

I have needed it, and used it, but it comes with hesitation

After I take a hand when I need it

I feel tiny, and corrupt, and morally defeated

I’m just starting to understand what thirty years of feelings have meant

I know I’m not broken, but good lord, I am bent

You know how they say that kid’s are resilient?

Well I think that’s bullshit.

I think as kids we don’t have the understanding to back up what we’re experiencing, so we shove it down.

Then as adults we are forced to tie our understanding to our experiences…

And sometimes that’s fucking heartbreaking.

The most unsteady paths are paved in the dark

The good’s contrast to evil is stark

Oh beware the small minded king

An army of small minded boys he brings

History was there to teach us better

We underestimated the mass of stupid that banned together

Tainted walls curl yellow

Problems stay under the rug

Ignorance is tradition

Hate is the drug

Being raised to be a people pleaser was a hard thing to overcome

It is still something that I struggle with internally

But externally

I’m begining to like the taste of boundaries

When the pain is

so intense that I can

no longer stiffle the red

every minor transgression gets

scientifically dissected and placed

clumsily with distracted fingers

underneath a microscope that

is so slanted

even a baby sparrow

looks menacing

I am

I am ready

I am ready to stop

I am ready to stop feeling

So fucking inferior