Words for humans

I first really laid eyes on him in the E-wing hallway of our high school. I was standing at my locker, and about seven lockers down to the right this tall, green eyed, clean cut boy was standing at my bully’s locker. He was dating her. So as dreamy as my 14 year old hormones thought he was, my brain wasn’t about to forget that he liked HER.
To make matters worse, I had given him, HER phone number. My history with Eliza is a sad ballad for a different time, but for the sake of this story: we had been ‘frienimmies’ for quite some time and she had asked me to call this Lee kid and give him her number, so I did. That was in June, and here we were in August and I was wishing I had known he was so damn cute before I subjected him to the soap opera that was Eliza.

Time passed and as most high school relationships do, they ended. Now, my friend Alma and I had confided in each other that we both thought he was cute. We were very close friends, so we made an agreement that neither one of us would date him.
… until two weeks later when Alma calls me up and tells me she kissed Lee at the tug fest. I was mad, but have never been a grudge holder.
Unfortunately for Alma, Lee and I saw a lot more of each other because of their relationship… and the more Lee and I saw of each other… the more we liked seeing each other. We gave each other the butterflies. You know? That tingly feeling that makes your guts all warm and you have the urge to squeal in excitement? Yeah. I believe Alma and Lee started dating in late July, and I started dating him in October. (Fun fact: Alma and I are still friends and Lee and I went to her wedding!)

One of the things Lee did to impress me was pour hand sanitizer on his hand and down his arm, and light it on fire. At my locker. Before first period.
“That’s gonna burn your arm hair.” I snarked.
“Just watch!” Lee insisted.
We both stood there and watched the green flame run up his arm. Then, we both wrinkled up our noses to the smell of burnt hair.
“Stupid!” I laughed out loud and pushed his shoulder.
“You liked it!” He laughed back and grabbed my arm.
Our eyes locked and I could feel the warmth of his soul. He felt like my very oldest and dearest friend.

There’s a lacuna, of sorts
inside of your mind
and it could take years of
journey to find…

and there is no map
there is no road
you must go alone to
mind space unhallowed…

a clearing of crispness,
where the clock hands don’t move…
you’re cut free from anchors
and thoughts glide out, smooth.

The weight that you feel
is that of your soul
and it’s place in a web,
…where do you pull?

Life all webbed out as
one breathing existence…
you can see spindles burst
and ripple far out into the distance.

SILENCE! Now, pay attention…
where is it tight?
Always striving to be a masterpiece,
yet society is seldom right.

You gain new awareness,
a careful point of view…
a journey of mindful thinking,
open to seeing things brand new.

You wonder why this web is so broken,
it can only inflict it’s own pain…
WHY do these spindles keep bursting?!
Can’t they see the web’s one in the same?!

You sit in this new sorrowed awareness,
seeing that you cannot change this alone.
Confusion sits next to the sadness,
this self mutilation is overgrown.

This journey is seldom taken–
tainted eyes see obligation.
But open hearts can clearly see,
humanity needs dedication.

The celestials keep telling her

to be like the rest

to be at rest

to finally let her core cool

and her air clear

she turns away

having faith that tomorrow

her two legged foreigners

will learn they were

not ever meant to be

foreigners here

He wiped the bit of gunpowder from his white freckled cheek
“Because I know that I love you, I just don’t know what that means.”
His voice was light and thoughtful.

This was a glimpse of Lee. The first glimpse of him I had seen in weeks.
There was something different in his vibe that morning, and so I decided to ask him

“why do you want to go to marriage counseling, if you know you want to leave me?”

I had been married to Lee for nine years, but I hadn’t really seen him in a few months. He traveled for work, but that’s not what I mean. It’s like someone else had taken over his body, and Lee was being held hostage inside. For months his eyes had been different, someone washed out their glitter. He didn’t look at me, he looked through me. He stopped remembering basic things about me, told me I did things that I didn’t, and seemed to lose grip with reality. He was in love with someone else, that he just met, and they were planning a life together in a different country.

I had known for most of our marriage that Lee had some sort of mental health issue, but for a long time it was pretty easy to chalk it up to damage from deployment in the Marine Corps. As we moved through the stages of life, so did his darkness. I would tell him to seek treatment, and he would, and then he would quit, and so on. Nothing too far out of what is unfortunately normal.

We had finally landed on a patch of normalcy. We had two kids. We bought a house. We were making it, I thought.
I wish I would have looked harder.
I wish I would have looked much deeper into his eyes.
I wish I could have caught him.

but you can only catch someone if you see them falling.

The day that Lee hit the ground, he had already been falling for over a year. I can still close my eyes and remember the feeling
the gravitational pull on your soul when being scooped out of one reality
and the burn of being seared into another.

it just kept coming
crimson
panic
penny aroma

they handed me an armful of
white
clean
folded cotton

Gravity snickered under my body weight
wet
heavy
soggy hopelessness

the sound of suffering pierced the air
sharp
clear
gut wrenching

finally the soul broke free of the shell
stillness
understanding
moving on

my elbows drip with aftermath
viscus
bold
still warm

we couldn’t keep you here
human
boy
Ashur Robinson

(Written December 2009)

Alright baby they’re going to bring you outside
Please cry so hard that there is no mistaking
you are here to stay

Alright baby momma will try
just give me time, I am being born too
but I will bring us through this

Alright baby don’t be afraid
the odds are against us, but that’s okay
the odds don’t know our power

Alright baby we ride at dawn
the earth isn’t perfect but I will teach you
always remember you’re safe in my arms

(Written late March 2018)

darkness isn’t something you see
with your eyes

the heartbeat changes
running on necessity and no will

the skin starts to become so very
heavy

the bones bleed
black agony

someday I will come back
to life

or I will die here
failure
to adapt to
a new
reality

I could feel the pain of extraction searing through my bones

It expelled through my pores beading up on my forehead and upper lip

Finally getting heavy enough to free fall from my nose and chin

Disappearing into the pores of the cement, my basement floor

There was no picking it up or putting it back

Uncomfortably existing in a new reality

Grieving the loss of an illusion

“GET BACK UP” a voice from inside is pleading

“You cannot fit through the pores”

colors unseen by the powers at be

she sees yellow and he sees green

It doesn’t matter to the color

color can be intense

color can fade

all it wants is to share the beauty

Of color