Do you ever forget to breathe? I don’t mean just to suck in and then let the air leave.

Do you ever forget, to really sit, and let go of the shit, and breathe deep into that angsty pit, with all the air you can fit, and then blow it all out like a spicy dab hit?

I know I forget.

But I remembered today, and when I finished I was okay. Focusing on what ruins your gay, makes it really easy to fray. It makes everyday gray. Makes you feel cray-cray.

Now that I’ve taken a breath, reclaimed some depth, I can see what is left.

So much to be grateful for, even with the constant mess on the floor, I’ll miss these times- of that I’m sure.

Nobody cleans my dishes

Nobody picks up my mess

Nobody washes my clothes

Nobody cares if I am prepared for the coming day

Nobody clears the snow from my car

Nobody salts my stairs

Nobody cares if I’m sleeping comfortably

Nobody asks how I really am, with the intent to help

Nobody thinks ahead for me

Nobody wonders when the last time I smiled was

Nobody attempts to meet my needs

Because I’m the nobody

I’m the nobody, for everybody

And how dare I ask for more.

Maybe the test is seeing how disrespected you can be without running away.

Am I winning yet?

Have I spent enough energy begging to be treated well by someone who isn’t listening?

Have I cried enough tears?

Have I boiled enough blood?

Is death the reward? Or will I someday get to experience someone who cares about me the same as they care about themselves?

I’m fucking tired.

I looked at the clock, it looked back at me. It’s face was weathered with pitty, and I could tell it was for me.

I asked the clock what it had seen. It, of course said nothing. Or at least, that’s what I thought. But as I stared, alone in this moment… I listened.

I listened to the sounds around me. My kids playing, the washer sloshing, the dryer humming, the world outside moving.

Then I finally heard the clock. It was counting the seconds of this life. It was counting every moment I’ve worked towards a goal that I cannot control.

In the moments between the ticks, I heard my soul weeping. I heard my inner child wondering, when I was ever going acknowledge her?

I found a bitter understanding, that while I had spent so much effort making myself a safe space for others, I had forgotten myself. I kept expecting someone else to make a safe place for me, as I had done for them.But, that capacity doesn’t live inside everyone.

I looked back up at the clock. The face looked less weathered than before. It was reminding me that my time isn’t up yet. I still have time to make a safe place for myself.

The reality is, I know that I probably won’t. The decisions that would have to be made are hard. And while I can do hard things, I can also talk myself out of them, especially when they only benefit me. I’m excellent at that.

I will disappoint the clock, and myself.

When you weaponize everything

Even my own words

And I’m always the target

For years and years

And years and years

And years and years

On end–

How am I supposed to survive

Long-term?

You’re killing me.

Only your God could

Hold so much hate

They cast out an angel

And created a demon

Insomnia is

a stiff dick

that never cums

Rage is sparked with less than a match.

Heavy it waits, on pointed toes.

Knowing I’ll be there to embody its chaos.

I am weak in the face of pain, despite my words of strength.

I take the bait.

Power in fury is false, but logic cannot see it.

So I pretend I can’t either.

Never well-liked

But typically tolerated

Those who feel love

Use it to lie about

Those who don’t

The sting never stops

But typically tolerated

Never holding ill-will

But assumed upon

Nonetheless

It’s odd

How I’m never allowed

To have a bad day

But sometimes

Everyday is bad

Anyway